Validating Our Child’s Feelings
To ‘validate’ something is to acknowledge it as true. When our feelings are validated by others – as opposed to being ignored, dismissed or contradicted – it makes us feel understood and gives us a sense of well-being. When we trust what we feel, we begin to understand our emotional world. This allows us to deal with our everyday, and most traumatic, experiences.
When your child falls over and hurts themselves, your instinct might be to pick them up and say, ‘You’re fine!’ If your little one won’t stop crying, you might tell them to dry their eyes, or even ‘man up!’ On other occasions it might be socially more convenient to tell your child that their friend didn’t mean to be nasty, when this was clearly not the case! These are all natural reactions.
However, when children’s emotional responses are dismissed, they do not learn to trust their feelings. This can lead to a more intense expression of emotions (resulting in tantrums). Or your child could stop sharing how they feel altogether and start to internalise their negative experience. Both outcomes can result in poor coping strategies into adulthood.
Although we do need to teach our children not to dwell on pain – either emotional or physical – it is important to acknowledge their pain for a brief moment. This will let your child know that they are being heard and taken seriously and allow them to recognise and accept their own emotions. Rather than making them dwell on a negative feeling, by acknowledging it you will help your child move on.
Once you have acknowledged your child’s emotion, they will be better equipped to react in a more mature manner. You can help with this too, by suggesting an appropriate response:
‘I can see you’re really angry about that – I would be too. But it’s not nice to hit back. Maybe try telling your friend that you don’t like being hit on the head with his dolly!’
‘It must feel really unfair when your sister gets to stay up later than you. I know it’s hard but if you want to grow up to be as big and strong as her, you need to go to bed a bit earlier. What would you do if you could stay up . . . ? Would you like to do that when you wake up instead?’
‘Oh, my love, does that make you feel sad/scared? Sometimes I feel sad/scared too. Come and have a cuddle and we’ll make it all better.’
Validating your child’s emotions also allows you to share the experience and reaffirm your bond with them. When a child is able to trust their own feelings, they develop a robust emotional barometer that will carry them through all sorts of social interactions and personal relations in later life. And it’s not just children who benefit – you could try validating your partner’s emotions too, once in a while!
